Here is the first draft of the first section!!! I haven't read it yet I just typed what came to mind... I liked the voice in my mind at the time but there are still a ton of weak sentences and word choices... I think the story needs more emotion and way to be felt. I may just get the story out and work on tightening it up later.
Ilunga- “a person who is ready to forgive any abuse for the first time, to tolerate it a second time, but never a third time.”
Annie’s face flushed as her blood began to boil with anger. She had forgiven John because she loved him and she believed deeply in her heart that he would never cheat again. But the messages on his phone said otherwise. The first time she had caught her boyfriend cheating was from his email. People rarely emailed these days and she was surprised to move the mouse of the ancient Dell Desktop to see a window open displaying a long list of emails from a Suzy Q. “Suzy Q huh?” she thought as she clicked on one of the blank subject lines. When the email opened, she was surprised to see photos of a scandalously dressed woman in various suggestive poses with the text “Come over tonight if you want to see what’s under!!!1!” It could have been some strange new form of spam emails but after going through several more emails and scanning through the Sent tab, Annie was quite certain John was cheating. Her brown hair fell out of place and her face flushed as her eye sight blurred in anger as she thought of the many things to say to John or to do. And just as one speaks of the Devil, John came through the front door wide eyed and pink faced to see her looking through his email. John revealed everything to Annie without her having to ask a single question and this had given her time to calm her emotions. He had given her some pathetic excuse about how Annie was never around and he needed to spend time with someone. After much thought, she began to believe it was her fault for having such a tight schedule with school and work. She needed the education and she needed the money and her mother had always told her, “It’s the woman’s job to keep a happy home.” Annie wanted nothing more than a happy home so she forgave John and changed her schedule for both school and work to devote more time to him. Things went well up until this evening.
“JOHN!!!” Annie screamed and he hands began to shake, “Keep a happy home? Maybe this home would be happier without him,” she thought.
“Yeah babe what’s up?” John asked slyly, but then he saw the phone in her hand, “uh oh…”
Annie threw the phone at John’s feet, “I thought you weren’t doing this shit anymore John.”
“Babe, I thought you weren’t looking through my personal things anymore.”
“Don’t turn this around on me again! What the hell John?” Annie began to pace the floor.
“Calm down babe-”
“Don’t call me babe-”
“Me and her, we don’t do anything! I swear I just like hanging out with her. You haven’t been looking the best lately and I wanted to be around someone who looked nice. I swear we only meet up to talk about you and she was helping me figure out some gifts to buy you for your birthday, so you can look nice,” he lied graciously.
“And you couldn’t talk to me about my own looks? I went out of my way to make time for us and you haven’t even begun utilizing it!”
“Babe, just listen,” He placed his hands on her shoulders to steady her, “I love you.” Flawless in his scheming scumbag ways he continued, “She helped me pick out some real nice outfits for you and she even gave me make up tips.” He smiled cunningly.
Annie’s head swarmed. She wanted to believe him. “It’s the woman’s job to keep her man happy. You’re not a real woman if your man strays or is unhappy.” Perhaps her mother was right and Annie was not a real woman after all. Annie didn’t know that her mother and father were in a failing marriage and everything her mother told her was things her mother believed about herself. Her father was scum just like her boyfriend John, but he was a great father no matter how womanizing he was. “Darlin’ men have wandering eyes, one day those eyes will wander onto you, but you’ll notice those eyes linger longer on special women,” her father once told her… Annie knew she wasn’t that special kind of woman.
“John go out for a while, I need to be alone.”
---What do you think so far?
Ilunga- “a person who is ready to forgive any abuse for the first time, to tolerate it a second time, but never a third time.”
Annie’s face flushed as her blood began to boil with anger. She had forgiven John because she loved him and she believed deeply in her heart that he would never cheat again. But the messages on his phone said otherwise. The first time she had caught her boyfriend cheating was from his email. People rarely emailed these days and she was surprised to move the mouse of the ancient Dell Desktop to see a window open displaying a long list of emails from a Suzy Q. “Suzy Q huh?” she thought as she clicked on one of the blank subject lines. When the email opened, she was surprised to see photos of a scandalously dressed woman in various suggestive poses with the text “Come over tonight if you want to see what’s under!!!1!” It could have been some strange new form of spam emails but after going through several more emails and scanning through the Sent tab, Annie was quite certain John was cheating. Her brown hair fell out of place and her face flushed as her eye sight blurred in anger as she thought of the many things to say to John or to do. And just as one speaks of the Devil, John came through the front door wide eyed and pink faced to see her looking through his email. John revealed everything to Annie without her having to ask a single question and this had given her time to calm her emotions. He had given her some pathetic excuse about how Annie was never around and he needed to spend time with someone. After much thought, she began to believe it was her fault for having such a tight schedule with school and work. She needed the education and she needed the money and her mother had always told her, “It’s the woman’s job to keep a happy home.” Annie wanted nothing more than a happy home so she forgave John and changed her schedule for both school and work to devote more time to him. Things went well up until this evening.
“JOHN!!!” Annie screamed and he hands began to shake, “Keep a happy home? Maybe this home would be happier without him,” she thought.
“Yeah babe what’s up?” John asked slyly, but then he saw the phone in her hand, “uh oh…”
Annie threw the phone at John’s feet, “I thought you weren’t doing this shit anymore John.”
“Babe, I thought you weren’t looking through my personal things anymore.”
“Don’t turn this around on me again! What the hell John?” Annie began to pace the floor.
“Calm down babe-”
“Don’t call me babe-”
“Me and her, we don’t do anything! I swear I just like hanging out with her. You haven’t been looking the best lately and I wanted to be around someone who looked nice. I swear we only meet up to talk about you and she was helping me figure out some gifts to buy you for your birthday, so you can look nice,” he lied graciously.
“And you couldn’t talk to me about my own looks? I went out of my way to make time for us and you haven’t even begun utilizing it!”
“Babe, just listen,” He placed his hands on her shoulders to steady her, “I love you.” Flawless in his scheming scumbag ways he continued, “She helped me pick out some real nice outfits for you and she even gave me make up tips.” He smiled cunningly.
Annie’s head swarmed. She wanted to believe him. “It’s the woman’s job to keep her man happy. You’re not a real woman if your man strays or is unhappy.” Perhaps her mother was right and Annie was not a real woman after all. Annie didn’t know that her mother and father were in a failing marriage and everything her mother told her was things her mother believed about herself. Her father was scum just like her boyfriend John, but he was a great father no matter how womanizing he was. “Darlin’ men have wandering eyes, one day those eyes will wander onto you, but you’ll notice those eyes linger longer on special women,” her father once told her… Annie knew she wasn’t that special kind of woman.
“John go out for a while, I need to be alone.”
---What do you think so far?
